Happy 29th birthday to my brother. This will be a weird one, I think. Two years ago, my sister and I got together for dinner. Last year, I don't think I did anything. This year, my mom is in town. She and I are meeting after work to go to a movie (Paycheck), and then we're meeting up with my sister and her husband to go out to eat, some Mexican place near them. I'm not used to having so much family around in general, and I think it will be particularly weird for my brother's birthday.
This coming April, he'll have been dead for 10 years. More than a third of my life, pretty much all of my adult life. I still yearn to know my brother as an adult. When I think about it, I still get angry that more wasn't done to save him, both at the doctors and at my parents. And I guess I still have anger at my parents for not dealing well with the whole rest of the situation, especially in how to make sure my sister and I were taken care of when my brother took up so much of their attention. And I guess I'm still angry at myself for every time I was mean to him, especially for those times when he was good to me in return.
I guess it wouldn't be January 22nd if I didn't cry a little bit. Or April 16th.
I guess I still have some issues to process. Not sure what the best way to do that is. Maybe things will have settled down a bit by April and I can deal with it then. Hah. Things never settle down, I'm always busy, and I don't like facing these things.
I miss you, Kyle. Thanks for being a good older brother to me.