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October 6th, 2003
08:22 pm

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All the way home, I was thinking about deleting my journal. When I actually went to do it, looking it up in the FAQ, there was a line about paid accounts being non-refundable and non-trnasferable once you've deleted your journal. And the thought of losing out on having paid $100 for a permanent account stopped me. I thought some more. Really, I would have most likely brought it back before the 30 days to undelete it were up. The only reason to do it was to show distress publicly. To show extreme distress. So, I think I'll just let everyone know how I feel without doing the silly dramatic thing of deleting my journal.

I am in extreme distress. I found myself saying things that had been below the surface for quite some time. They just came out, but they were true. To be fair, they're my perception of the truth, which is very likely different from how other people perceive it. I was not kind, but I felt like the things I said were right as they were coming out of my mouth. I still think they're right. I am in extreme distress because of the effect those words had, both on me and on the target. I've said it before and been wrong, but I think this time the friendship might be over. I've thought other times that she wouldn't want to speak to me again, and I've been wrong every time. But this was different. I said things that can't be taken back, that I don't want to take back. And I'm not sure that I want this friendship to continue. It's really hard, because I hate hurting people. And it's also hard because I really do enjoy her company immensely when we're not fighting. But our values are just so different on some really key points. Maybe all of the huge fights would make it obvious to most normal people that we're incompatible, but I've just, on some level, refused to see it. And, honestly, it's probably mostly because of my attraction to her. I fell fast and I fell hard, and I kept falling, even after the breakup. Soemthing about her completely enthralled me. I was really obsessed. And I think that it's my very recent starting to come out of that obsession that has maybe changed things. I'm still really attracted to her, but the full force of the obsession is waning. And maybe I'm just starting to look at things from a perspective that is ever so slightly closer to planet Earth.

Rambling. I don't know where this post is going. I don't know where the friendship is going, so why should I know where the post is going? If she's willing to continue the friendship, knowing myself, I probably would be, too. But I think I might pull way back emotionally, try to avoid any discussions that might lead to any kind of disagreement. Of course, that would likely mean no discussion at all beyond chat about Carcassonne and Catan. Because, as I said above, different values on some key issues seem to lead to arguments about things that either one or the both of us end up taking very seriously and/or personally.

Fuck. Maybe I will just delete my journal. All my other relationships seem to be pretty shitty, too. This is the part where I feel sorry for myself, so feel free to just move along. I have no close, healthy relationships with women (except possibly with one who is moving away). I have no real close relationships with men, although that seems to be shifting somewhat. Maybe I need to take that male contraceptive without getting the accompanying testosterone injection, so that I have no sex drive. My sex drive usually just seems to fuck things up. So, hormone injections and stay away from women. That sounds like a winning combination.

Now that I've typed this, I'm going to post it, but part of me wonders if that's a good idea. It'll probably just make her feel worse, if that's possible. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't know. If I don't post it, then I won't have shown extreme distress publicly, which was my initial aim. I thought of maybe just filternig it so only she can see it, just so she knows how I feel without it being so public. But I don't think I want to do that for fear of it jsut being totally ignored. And, really, I want some feedback on my thoughts. I don't know what kind of feedback. Maybe part of me is just looking for sympathy, but, really, sympathy is pretty fucking worthless to me. I'll get over the major hurt realtively quickly, me being who I am. Some insight into how I manage to fuck everything up would be a lot more useful. Mostly, though, I guess this is a way for me to process this stuff, since I don't realy have anyone to talk to about it right now. Here's me, speaking into the ether. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. gfhjghrejo i5gg igitow teir g854 ohuieohg qet iqet gqet phjioeq ohiqet qpeio pi3hi oeii ogeui 0 u 9 fz .d5 f 5 4. Fuck.

Extreme distress. LJ version of hanging a flag upside down and on fire. I'm still babbling because hitting the update button is going to be final. This will be out there. She'll fire back some nasty things at me, or, worse, she'll just completely stop speaking to me. You all will either feel sorry for me or feel like I'm finally getting what I deserve, depending on who you are. And I'll be compulsively checking for comments on this. Or I'll just go to bed. And I'll have to decide whether I want to watch the last two episodes of this season of Buffy now before she demands it back, or whether I want to not watch Buffy ever again. How melodramatic. I feel like I want to retch, and, no, it's not from the pizza I had last night. How apthetic am I? I had pizza last night because it seemed like it would increase the chances of getting together with her. That's just stupid. I am an idiot. And if you've read down this far, you get the fucking Cracker Jack prize. Congratulations, you've waded through paragraphs and paragraphs of my bullshit. Be sure to take one of my bullshit-encrusted flags with you as you leave, so you can have your very own extreme distress pity party in your journal. Hey everyone, look at me! Feel sorry for me! Tell me how good I am! Fuck you, I'm not good. Fuck you and you and you and you. And you, too. But most of all, fuck me, I'm a terrible person, and deep down inside, even after people tell me I'm not, and even after I admit to them that I know that, I'll still know that I'm a terrible person. Wow, I almost contemplated giving away my biggest secret, so you could all see how terrible a person I really am. Only one of you knows it, and you're not telling. The rest of you just get to see me being annoying by hinting at a big terrible secret and not telling you about it.

God, maybe I really won't post this. Well, hell, it's better than deleting my journal like a wimp. Here's me, and, in parting, fuck you.

(12 comments | Leave a comment)

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[User Picture]
From:bethr
Date:October 6th, 2003 07:03 pm (UTC)
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I don't know your real name; I don't know who you are, really, and I've probably never seen you in real life; you don't know me from a cornflake in Hell. (Although if I ever wore a dress like this my little icon would look just like me.)

But I do know what you're going through (your psychological contortions and feelings of self-hate, at least) because I have been there frighteningly recently. If you want, please get in touch with me privately via email. You don't know this either, but you have access to the #1 thing has led me out of my personal "I hate myself and everyone else" way of thinking.

No, I do not belong to any cult either, if that's what you're thinking.
[User Picture]
From:surrealestate
Date:October 6th, 2003 07:50 pm (UTC)

Wow

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I'm not actually reading LJ these days, but
someone pointed me at yours and I saw this.

Really weird how many things you've written here
that I've been feeling tonight. I've written a
fair bit that I've deleted, and I also nearly
removed my account.

This medium really sucks sometimes. *hug*
[User Picture]
From:curly_chick
Date:October 6th, 2003 08:10 pm (UTC)
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I don't know the situation but I would be sad if you deleted your journal. Its very honest and I respect that.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.
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From:hrafn
Date:October 6th, 2003 08:24 pm (UTC)

a quick note before I go crash

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Yeah, hormones suck. They make you temporarily insane, and it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't. I think you hit the important stuff in paragraph 2. And I really hope you do feel better soon, dear. Some things you just have to say "it's over, it's in the past, I'm not that person in that place anymore." If you hang onto them too long, there's just no point and no good of it.
[User Picture]
From:zyxwvut
Date:October 6th, 2003 11:33 pm (UTC)
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Kevin --

I'm worried that you might harm yourself in this state. I'd
recommend trying not to be alone, okay?

Courage.
Z

P.S.: I don't think it's possible to point to a single thing and
say that it proves whether you're a good or bad person. That's
just silly.
[User Picture]
From:queue
Date:October 7th, 2003 03:50 am (UTC)
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Don't worry, I'm not the type to harm myself. The most self-destructive I get is shaving my hair off.
[User Picture]
From:cthulhia
Date:October 7th, 2003 07:17 am (UTC)

just...

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... not the eyebrows again, ok?

(all the useful serious stuff I could think of has been said, and better phrased that I would've managed... hence I resort to humor... )
[User Picture]
From:mattlistener
Date:October 7th, 2003 05:12 am (UTC)
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I'd much rather be present to your extreme distress than see a "poof" where your journal used to be. Grateful for that.

You vented a lot of pent-up truth and then dropped a ton of bricks on yourself for fucking things up again. Maybe it would never have worked out, but such a strong attraction can't be ignored.

You ask for insight into how you fuck things up. The contrarian in me wants to say, if trying not to fuck it up makes you bottle up your truth, fuck it up sooner instead. Maybe you'll clear your decks for something more healthy and sustainable to come along, maybe it won't be the fuck-up you expect.

I've got a big evidence-of-terribleness secret too -- maybe we'll compare notes someday.
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From:majes
Date:October 7th, 2003 05:14 am (UTC)
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Meh; I know what a terrible person you are, and I still want you to come over on Wednesday. So, fuck you right back at you, buddy.

I understand exactly where you're at right now. I've lived there before. I wish I understood the why of this kind of behavior. When I was doing it, I knew it wasn't helpful, and that it was just driving others away, but I did it anyway. I just had the good fortune of not having a live journal when I was experiencing this; I have some old e-mails thought that I cringe when I look at now.

Love is a powerful, mind-breaking, force. Its an altered sense of consciousness that allows us to make great leaps of faith, and take chances that would, in any other situation, seem really stupid. When love doesn't have some way to be positively channeled, it becomes the poison that you are living on right now. Love is just as able to destroy your spirit as it is to uplift it. In your case, that has what it has come to pass.

I wish that I could offer you some helpful advice, or give you some way to purge this from your system. Unfortunately, I know there is no such cure for your ailment. Much like a person with a serious injury, only time and healthy behavior are going to heal you. That is cold comfort now, I'm sure, since you are still fresh from the injury, in a crapload of pain, and you just want it to be over now.

So now that that is done, one more thing - if you ever give me this crap again about "I don't really have anyone to talk to about it right now" I will kick your ass. You have a cell phone, and my number. Life distress qualifies as a good reason to call, or even to come on over (or call me and I can come over). If you really want someone with which talk, you know where I am.
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From:treacle_well
Date:October 7th, 2003 05:31 am (UTC)
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I'm glad you posted this. I'm glad you haven't deleted your journal, or this entry. I don't feel huge amounts of sympathy for you (we're too distant for that and it's not an emotional state that comes very naturally to me); I don't think you're a terrible person and I don't think the world works in terms of "getting what one deserves"--meaningless concept to me--so I don't think that either.

I like you enough though that I don't particular want you to be hurting, but if it's something that helps you find out stuff you want to figure out about yourself then it may not be an entirely bad thing.

I didn't realize the situation you were in here--maybe I'm just oblivious but maybe it's just on account of us not being very close friends and not spending much time together and really I've no idea what would give you insight about repeat fuck-ups. Shrug.

Available to talk if you want to, but I suspect you've got preferred resources for that.
From:geeyodi
Date:October 7th, 2003 06:35 am (UTC)
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Please calm down. I am your friend. I'm here if you want to talk. No judgements. We all think we are terrible and have our secrets. I'll show you mine if it will make you feel better. But please, calm down. NOTHING is that bad. Call if you are ever feeling like this, and we will drop what we are doing and be there for you. I promise.
[User Picture]
From:jazzfish
Date:October 7th, 2003 09:53 pm (UTC)
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Um. I think I'm a bit late to this party.

In any event, I'd certainly miss your journal. I've enjoyed getting to know you, even just a bit, over the last year and change, and you've provided some much-appreciated support. Thank you.

Yeah. Take care of yourself. (And, although this'll sound like bullshit, I /do/ admire your willingness to post this at all.)
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