October 7th, 2002



I've spent a lot more time looking at myself and how I react to things in the past couple of years than I've ever done before. So I notice patterns of behavior. What's really neat is to notice bad patterns and be able to change them. It's hard, though, when the bad patterns are familiar and comfortable. They're patterns because that's what feels like the natural way for me to react. So, going against my natural reactions, even though I know it's better, is very difficult.

Over the weekend, I was thinking about doing some writing, possibly something autobiographical (or semi-autobiographical?), about patterns, about someone chronicling times in his life where a certain pattern has surfaced and how his awareness of this pattern developed and how he changes how he reacts to this pattern.

As with most neat things I think about, I probably won't actually do this one. However, this does have something going for it: the fact that I'm really personally interested in the subject and in processing the subject for myself. We'll see what happens.

I don't think I have anyone fooled

I don't really feel like an adult. Or, to be more precise, I don't feel like I used to think adults would feel when I was younger. I guess I must have associated "adult" with "serious" at some point. As a much older person once told me, I have a very developed sense of play.

Jumping up as the elevator is going up, trying to catch the right moment to get a little bit of freefall, is still fun. However, I only do it when I'm the only one on the elevator. I wonder what reaction I would get if I did that when other people were there. Maybe the same reaction I get when I ride on the grocery cart in the parking lot of the store.