December 16th, 2001



Had dream where I was jealous about someone I'm no longer dating. I asked someone why I would feel jealous about someone I'm no longer dating. The phrase "emotional harem" came up. More "you as a species, not you as a person." But I'm not a species; I am a person. Sometimes, anyway. I thought about it some more, and I decided that it is ego gratifying to have someone affected by losing me (in one sense), especially after spending much of my life sure that no one could possibly find me interesting or attractive, and who could blame them, etc. Thought about again how I used to have a really low self-esteem (I think it's getting better, though, just having a low couple of days right now like I seem to semi-regularly) and most people thought that it was just the opposite. Anyway, I'm rambling, and it's time to take off soon. Going to a birthday anti-social, which is pretty much how I feel right now. It's how I felt last night, actually, yet I went to three different parties. It ended up being okay; I just wasn't terribly social. I brought a book along, so I'll probably find a comfortable place next to one of the people I'm going with and just read my book, maybe nap, depending on how long we're there. Going straight from there to help a friend unpack, but he's coming from Virginia, so it's unclear as to exactly when they'll be here. He's supposedly going to call when he gets close. It's a surprise unpacking party for his wife, who has been going to school down in Virginia for the past 2 years or something like that. Then I think pizza and games after that, or something. Okay, really need to go.